To Be Labeled
by Ginkaishoku
Summary: A fight for the best bar in Konoha results in a contest of the labels! Who will win, Team Men or Team Women? Multiple pairings, slight AU ItaHina KisaAnko, and a lot of other weird pairings inside!
1. Impromptu Rep Builder: Itachi & Hinata

_A/N: PURE CRACK! You should not, my dear readers, take any of this seriously. I don't know if I'm even going to continue this story, believe it. Each segment would have to be a different non-canon pairing, and all I've got this time around is ItaHina. Also, this story is set in a slightly warped version of the Naruto world, where instead of killing the Akatsuki members, Konoha integrated them into society using blackmail, brainwashing, curse jutsus, etc. So, many of them are going to be showing up if I do have some ideas for more! _

_By the way, Sasuke still leaves. I don't like him, so I decided he isn't re-integrated into Konoha. HA! (Inner Yuki beheads a Sasuke plushie.) _

_Final Note: Tatsuo the bartender's character is based on a friend of mine who owns a bar down the street. And I pretty much copied the bar, for that matter! I changed their names to keep the rabid fan girls from knocking on his door and saying "are you the cute bartender I read about?" Sorry! I don't think my favorite adorable bartender deserves that. Plus, his awesome girlfriend would have a heart attack!_

_My next spoofs for this fic: KakaIno, Shikamaru-Asuma friendship, Deidara-Ino friendship, and a return episode of ItaHina! A few other crack scenes and pairing suggestions are welcome! _

**Part One:**

**ItaHina-**

**The Impromptu Reputation-Booster**

**DAY ONE: 19:00 **

"No Shirt, no shoes, no service. Minimal ninjutsu allowed. And no Rock Lee." The wooden sign above the Silver Moon tavern read as it swayed in the wind. The sun was almost down and leaves blew in miniature tornadoes around the feet of five konoichi as they bundled towards the entrance underneath the sign.

Sakura, Ino, Ten-Ten and Anko chuckled at the sign as they entered the bar, followed by the smiling Hinata. The girls hung up their coats, and spotted Kurenai waving them over to her table in the corner with Shizune and Hana Inuzuka already waiting.

"Where's Tsunade-shishou?" Sakura asked as she slid into her seat between Shizune and Ino, grabbing a small, fluorescent yellow paper menu from the center of the table.

"Oh, I'm not sure" Shizune said, pulling back her sleeve to check her watch, "She said she'd be here at seven." Hinata passed Sakura the list of what foods they wanted, and she turned it in to the bartender.

"It's only a quarter 'till, and who is Tsunade-Sama to refuse alcohol anyway." She added, pushing her sleeve back down over her watch and senbon crossbow-thing.

"Thanks Tatsuo, you always treat us great. You have the best snacks in Konoha!" Sakura said as the man named Tatsuo started working on their tall order. The bartender laughed.

"Would you really expect me to serve anything less than my best to the Hokage and her friends?" Tatsuo laughed, uselessly pushing some of his dirty blonde bangs behind his ear. His grey eyes glittered kindly as shot a broad smile towards Hinata. Hinata was surprised that Tatsuo, who didn't look a day over nineteen, was actually a twenty-five year old, fresh out of the jounin exams.

The back right corner of the small bar was filled with laughing, almost drunk female ninjas who were talking about, at the moment, all their past and present relationships. Although the formidable bartender would never say it to their faces, he had to admit that the group of konoichi was the rowdiest group he'd ever had to cater to. As he did every Friday night, he simply shook his head and tuned them out.

Sakura leaned forward, managing to silence the group with a glance. Then, with much drama, she spoke.

"Did you guys see what I saw?" She asked, a smug grin splitting her face in two. Many females in the group responded with confused glances, and a few just simply said 'no'.

"Tatsuo-san just totally checked Hinata-chan out!" Sakura stated in an urgent whisper. Giggles erupted from everywhere, it seemed to Hinata. A blush conquered her face in short order, and her respiratory system kicked into overdrive. However, as soon as a few well placed nudges, encouraging remarks and knowing winks were administered, Hinata's predicament was forgotten.

Hinata was left feeling odd. Did she harbor any attraction to Tatsuo? She gazed over Ino's head to watch him place a few bottle of whiskey on the glass shelf running along the wall. _No,_ she decided, she didn't. Then, who was she attracted to?

Naruto would be the obvious answer when she was twelve, up until she was maybe sixteen. Now that she was almost eighteen, however, her preferred relationship with Naruto consisted of a really good friendship. Slowly, Hinata slid away from the table as the next raucous explosion of laughter engulfed the table, creating the perfect escape.

Hinata slid her payment and tip to Tatsuo, putting a finger to her lips and gesturing shyly to the table. Tatsuo nodded and smiled amiably, returning to his work. Hinata thanked the heavens that he was such a nice guy.

Standing just outside the door, Hinata tried to unzip her coat. The zipper was stuck, and she decided to pull it over her head in an attempt to block out the autumn wind. A particularly strong gust pushed her stumbling blindly forward, and Hinata met a large, warm object. Pulling her hood down, she looked up, and froze.

Two lazily spinning commas on a crimson background looked down on her passively, regarding her shocked form. Neither of them moved for what seemed like hours to Hinata as she struggled to contain what she thought was an impending panic attack.

"G-gomennasai, Uchiha-Sama!" Hinata blurted as she turned and sprinted around a corner towards the Hyuuga compound. Itachi simply stared in that direction amusedly for a few moments, before moving to enter the bar After all, no one called him 'Uchiha-Sama' anymore.

**DAY ONE: 21:30 **

Hinata stared in the mirror at her pale face as she clutched her heart, willing it to slow down. _Oh boy was he scary!_ Hinata still couldn't believe Tsunade allowed him free reign of the village! But, Hinata assured herself that Tsunade had her reasons.

As she went to bed, all that floated in her mind were the images of his spinning sharingan. Little did she know about the surprise meeting she would attend when she awoke.

**DAY ONE: 20:25**

"We could so win over you losers!" Ino shouted as she faced down the opposite side of the Silver Moon tavern, which was now occupied by various male nin, including the men of the rookie nine, the sensei's, and Iruka.

The women were trying to defend their final frontier, the only bar that the men hadn't yet kicked them out of. Tatsuo sighed, knowing no good could come of a bar war, but knowing there was not a snowball's chance in hell at getting them to leave.

"Fine, let's experiment then, shall we?" Kakashi suggested, stepping forward. Ino stepped forward to meet him.

"You two come up with a challenge, and we'll see who wins and gets full rights to claim this bar." Tatsuo recommended, shrugging as he watched his other patrons shuffle out the front door. So much for them, anyway. At least they didn't have to worry about a bunch of drunken nin!

"Brilliant!" Tsunade slurred. Kakashi and Ino sat down at the table in the center of the bar, and the others went back to their respective sides.

"My life is about to get a lot more complicated, Tatsuo grumbled, starting the dish-sanitizer, drowning out the obnoxious conversations of the nin.

**DAY TWO: 08:03**

"Here's the challenge: Each of you must wear this board on you back." Kakashi began, holding up a board with backpack-like straps on the back and modeling it.

"And each of you gets one of these!" Ino added, holding up a laser-gun looking device that read 'Labeler' vertically on the handle.

"Whenever you see one another, you simply put a word of description on the board, and the negative and positive points will be tallied once all fifty spots on the boards are full." Kakashi instructed, indicating the little lines on the board, making fifty rectangles.

"Simply turn in your board when you've reached fifty, and when all of them return, we'll see who gets territory rights for the Silver Moon tavern!" Ino finished, both she and Kakashi looking rather proud of their idea. Tsunade smiled, nodding in approval. There were a few grumbles, but everyone accepted their boards.

**DAY TWO: 11:32**

"Hurry up." A slightly impatient Itachi ordered dully as he waited for Hinata to apply her label. Eyes wide, Hinata nodded even though Itachi was facing away from her. She scrambled frantically to maintain her composure as she chose which word she would place on his board.

_Emo is overused,_ she noted, _and so is depressing and big-fat-jerk,_ she sighed. Evil and hot were also taking up a few places. _Hot. Wait…. _Hinata looked at the back of Itachi's head, picturing his face. He did look rather attractive, she decided. Taking a dive, she inserted the letters she would need for her description of Itachi.

"You think I'm handsome?" Itachi deadpanned as Hinata began to walk back down the market's sidewalk in the opposite direction. Hinata became paralyzed, stopping midstep in embarrassment. Her head turned slowly, and the moment she caught sight of his smirk she lost all hold on her consciousness.

**DAY TWO: 15:25**

"Hello." Itachi said in his low voice, tapping Hinata on her purple-coated shoulder. Hinata turned and regarded him with an embarrassed blush, replying to his hello with a nod. Hinata felt him stick her twenty-third label on her back. Only when she went back from her job at the academy as a tutor did she count to his and read it. As she did, her heart rate went through the roof.

_'Beautiful.'_

**DAY TWO: TIME UNKNOWN**

Itachi noticed right away that no one ever put a derogatory label on the lavender-eyed girl's back, and pondered that for a moment. Perhaps…

Perhaps if he hung around her a little, and was very kind to her, like a suitor would be…

Itachi Uchiha decided that 'Team Men' would not loose because of him.

**DAY THREE: 10:45**

Hinata couldn't help but blush at the stares she and her, how would she put it? Tag-along were gathering as she made her daily walk through the market to buy some snacks for the students she tutored. Ever since the second night of the Label challenge, not a day had passed when the stoic older Uchiha left her side.

And worse yet, Hinata realized that she didn't mind having a tag-along, after all.


	2. Musings & Bologna: Hidan & Jiraiya

A/N: Here you go, 'Kaa-san! This isn't as funny as I had hoped, but given the rather… clashing characters I think I did ok. Once again, send me crack pairing suggestions!

_-Gin_

**Part Two:**

**Hidan and Jiraiya**

**Prompt: Bologna and Icha Icha**

**Musings and Bologna**

**DAY THREE: 11:45**

Jiraiya was out of inspiration.

Painfully so, considering his deadline was two days from now, and he still had no face for his latest book's male character. He needed to find that perfect face, that perfect contrast with the beautiful main female character….

He needed a strong-looking muse, Jiraiya decided. One with great hair, a broad chinned and still handsome face….

Jiraiya dropped his plastic tub of tofu into the shopping cart unceremoniously.

The man by the lunch meat, _he_ was perfect! Muscular, light-complexioned, tall, nice hair, handsome facial features, Jiraiya could go on and on. Not to mention, his oddly colored eyes would look great on his new cover design.

"Oi, Jiraiya-Sama, are you finished with that rough draft for the inking crew yet? They have to get it, like, _now,_ or we'll miss the deadline!" a petite brunette woman inquired sourly, looking at Jiraiya expectantly. He turned, looking Sachiko in the eye.

Overall, Sachiko was a good editor. As a friend, however, she nagged him more in their first week of co-working than Tsunade did in all the years they'd known each other. 'Finish this, finish that!' was all he got out of her! No 'Good work!' or 'This volume sold way better than that one!' pep talks.

"I'm almost done. I just need one of my models to sign their consent form, that's all." Jiraiya lied, glancing back at the handsome lunchmeat shopper. He was still pouring over the processed meat section of the refrigerator aisle, thank the powers that be.

"Why don't I believe you?" Sachiko despaired, cradling her forehead in annoyance as she moved on with her produce shopping. Jiraiya smiled as soon as she passed, thinking about her question.

_You don't believe me, because I say the same thing every due date._ He thought amusedly, grabbing some carrots and moving on towards his future muse.

He was so perfect for this role, that Jiraiya was still perversely fascinated by him. He approached his muse inconspicuously, patting his pocket to double check for consent forms. He never had to use them for women, considering very few actually _read _his books, but he kept them handy for guys who might read the series and sue his poor old ass off.

"What the fuck? Why is this one different from that shit over there?" Jiraiya heard the man mumble as he inspected a package of bologna. The Sannin saw this as the perfect opportunity to butter up the muse.

"Hey, you look like you need some help." Jiraiya opened smoothly, leaning on the edge of the refrigerator and flashing his silver-haired quarry a friendly smile.

"Shit, thanks grandpa." He muttered, making the author wince. He didn't look _that_ old, did he?

"Seriously, how is this damn bologna any different from that shit over there?" The young man ranted, almost flinging the meat he was holding as he pointed to the custom meats counter display. Jiraiya ducked, and was barely missed by the man's arm.

"Well, that section is the custom meat section, so that means the bologna over there has whatever meats you want in it." Jiraiya answered thoughtfully, drawing a blank look from his muse. Raising an eyebrow, the muse asked a question no one in the world can answer.

"Seriously, what the hell is in bologna, anyway?" He asked, just as thoughtfully as Jiraiya pondered the mystery meat's ingredients. Drawing blanks, the Sannin shrugged in sincere apology.

"Aw, shit. Well, thanks anyway I guess. I'll just get the turkey instead, that bastard back home oughtta suffer…" The muse said, his voice trailing out at the end of the sentence, and Jiraiya was suddenly curious. What did his handsome future model mean by 'Bastard'?

"Well, anyway, my name's Jiraiya. What's yours?" the Sannin asked, extending a hand.

"Hidan, fucking great you were here to help grandpa!" Hidan answered, shaking his hand and nodding appreciatively. Jiraiya winced internally at the mention of 'grandpa' again. He told himself he didn't look that old.

"Are you busy? I have two free buffets at that newer sushi place in town, and my friends are all busy. It expires today." The Sannin mentioned casually as they headed up to the checkout counter.

"Yeah, sure. Why pass up free shit anyway?" Hidan accepted, and the two men went to lunch.

**DAY THREE: 12:15**

"Wow, you don't get good food like this for free every day!" Jiraiya muttered animatedly to Hidan as he sat with a plateful of food. The two guys had given the buffet owners a run for their money, eating plate after plate of food without even slowing down.

"So, I was just wondering… You know what I do for a living, right?" Jiraiya asked, breaking apart a new pair of chopsticks. Hidan finished whatever he was chewing on, swallowed, and answered.

"Yeah, don't you write that porno shit? The one with the bright fucking orange cover?" Hidan asked with a chicken leg partway in his mouth, not stopping to take a breath between talking and inhaling food.

"Yeah, I am. I didn't know I was so famous!" Jiraiya answered happily, forgoing modesty as he reveled in his fame as an underappreciated genius author.

"Well, anyway, I am working on a new novel, and I was wondering…" the Sannin began, looking sheepishly at Hidan.

"I was wondering if I could use your likeness in my latest novel as the main male character." He finished, scrutinizing Hidan's expression and hoping he would accept.

"Well shit! I can't, 'cause porno like that is against my religion, but thanks for asking. I knew _someone _would notice how fucking sexy I am!" Hidan answered the Sannin good-naturedly, and Jiraiya felt his heart break in two. Then, he had an idea.

"Aw, you're welcome. And I'm sorry if I offended your religion at all." Jiraiya covered smoothly, withdrawing some papers from his pocket.

"Well, it was nice having lunch with you, but I gotta go. Just sign here and I'll pay for your buffet on my way out." Jiraiya said as he pushed the model consent forms towards Hidan. Just as he had hoped, Hidan didn't read before signing.

"See you around!" Jiraiya said as he exited the restaurant, grinning in triumph.

Now, to go put his new male muse to paper…

This time, Jiraiya vowed to impress Sachiko by being on time!


	3. Not So Gentle Fist: Itachi & Hinata

A/N: The return of my ItaHina crack pairing, I love Hiashi's serious character in this. Gimme some crack pairing ideas please!

**Part Three:**

**Itachi and Hinata**

**Prompt: Fathers and Daughters**

**Not So Gentle Fist**

**DAY FOUR: 9:35**

Hiashi paced back and forth in his study, Neji watching and waiting. The news that the older Uchiha had been nearly _stalking _his oldest child was unnerving, and demanded attention. He had no idea what he should do.

Should he allow such courtship? Or should he apply a restraining order on Itachi's traitorous ass? Finally and regretfully, he asked Neji.

"How do you think the clan should handle the courtship of the Uchiha and your cousin?" Hiashi asked quietly, indicating Neji had free reign for suggestions.

"Test him." Neji answered after a few moments of Hiashi's silent pacing. The Hyuuga clan's leader stopped to consider this suggestion. Oddly, this idea instantly seemed plausible. Now, what would the test entail?

Hiashi thanked Neji for his repot on Hinata, and his suggestion, and dismissed him. Hiashi began to studiously formulate a plan.

**DAY FIVE: 8:42**

"Neji, I need you to deliver this invitation to the Uchiha." Hiashi told the prodigy as he passed him a small scroll over his organized desk.

"Read it first." Hiashi ordered as he worked on some other paperwork and financial listings for the clan compound. Neji unrolled the scroll carefully, and raised a skeptical eyebrow as he read.

"Hiashi-Sama is inviting him to dinner with the head family?" Neji asked, trying to sound respectful. Hiashi simply nodded, looking at Neji expectantly for his opinion. As Hiashi decided he was going to adopt Neji as heir, he had been relying more and more on the young genius' of his nephew to run the clan. Which also meant that Neji would have to share supper with Itachi and the rest of the family.

"Out of respectful curiosity, Hiashi-Sama, what is your accompanying plan for this invitation?" Neji asked as he rolled the invitation scroll back up and sealed it with the Head's wax seal. Hiashi sighed, covering his eyes in frustration.

"I have one, do not worry. I simply think that giving you the details of my plan could compromise it." The head of the Hyuuga clan answered, picking his words carefully. Neji was annoyed, but understood. Bowing, Neji turned and went to deliver the invitation to his cousin.

Hiashi simply sat and mulled over the plan he lied about having, and hoped that he could improvise in time for tonight's dinner.

**DAY FIVE: 17:30**

Hinata and Itachi walked slowly through the Hyuuga complex, simply because Hinata was dreadfully nervous. Why had her father suddenly taken an interest in Itachi? Perhaps Neji had confirmed the rumors of Itachi's stalking habits. Or, maybe he thought they were… Dating. Eyes widening as she walked next to an ex-Akatsuki member, she wished she could feign sudden illness and skip dinner.

Oh, but then Hiashi would simply reschedule it.

If Hinata was privy to swearing, she would have inserted a few colorful words right about now. Rather, she analyzed the situation.

The situation looked like they were courting, or she was being stalked. Either way, her father was going to challenge Itachi. However, Hinata didn't mind Itachi's stalking, and wanted to avoid a potentially dangerous confrontation between them. The best way to do that was…

"I-Itachi-san?" Hinata stuttered shyly, watching the ground as they drew in sight of the main mansion in the center of the compound. Hinata heard a 'Hn' and took it as a sign to continue. Gulping audibly, she spoke.

"My father is a, um, very strict man. He is going to challenge you for, uh, following me." She said quietly, hoping Itachi didn't take offense to the way she worded her statement.

"I know, thank you." Itachi answered cryptically as he opened the door for Hinata to enter before him. The two entered the house to be ushered into the dining room.

**DAY FIVE: SAME TIME**

Hiashi paced, and Neji could barely conceal his annoyance with not knowing Hiashi's plan.

Unfortunately, even Hiashi didn't know his plan. So when his daughters and Itachi shuffled into the dining room, Hiashi walked over to Itachi to shake his hand, he decided to do whatever his instincts told him. He analyzed in a millisecond what the average father's response to boyfriends would be, and went with that.

"Hello, Lor-" Itachi began, but stopped as Hiashi decked him. The blow was dealt to his right cheek, and Hinata's eyes were wide and frightened when she saw the fist fly.

Hiashi had decided to use what Hanabi dubbed 'The Father's Art of the No-So-Gentle Fist.'

And when Itachi simply withstood, still standing, the hardest sucker punch Hiashi could deal and seemed unfazed by it, Hiashi extended his hand cordially for Itachi to shake.

"Welcome to the family, Itachi-san." Neji muttered as he joined the Hyuugas at dinner, sporting one massive bruise on the right side of his face.


	4. Flowers of Youthful Love!: Konan & Lee

**Konan and Lee**

**Prompt: Flowers**

**The Flowers of Youthful Love**

**DAY TWO: 9:30**

Konan had walked this path for many a week since her sentence in Konoha began and the villagers had come to recognize her and leave her alone. Until Kakashi and Ino came up with the ridiculous plot to label people. Now she felt like a freaking billboard! In Konan's opinion, shinobi weren't trained to stick out, but to blend in. Being noticed all the time was irritating.

It was that first day of being a billboard, also, that she met the green monsters that patrolled the path to her internship at the Hokage's office as a temporary secretary

The first time she had seen them doing their so-called _training,_ she was appalled that Konoha allowed absolute basket cases (Negating Itachi, he had a reason for his craziness) to become shinobi! Just _look_ at their spandex! Konan had simply moved on to her office.

Now, however, she stopped and stared at the monsters as a keening wail broke out of the younger one's throat. She watched as he dropped to the ground onto his knees, seeming to mourn the dead plants at his feet. The larger one left him and the little green spandex-wearing 'I'm a big bad ninja in stretchy pants' boy continued to sob.

"No! Now I shall never be able to give my bouquet to my youthful pink-haired love!" The boy yelled, and his eyebrows were drawn together in mental agony, making him look like he had a uni-brow. Konan decided to get a little closer; surely this little guy meant no harm?

"I, Rock Lee, will never win over the heart of my beautiful blossom!" Lee cried despairingly, smashing his fist into the dead plants on the ground in front of him. Konan couldn't help but catch on to some of his melancholy, despite her dismay at his and his mentor's appearances. After all, she thought, looks weren't everything.

She really was a hopeless romantic anyway.

"Ano, Lee-san, what is the matter?" Konan asked as she drew a little closer (but not much) to his kneeling form.

"My flowers, they have all perished! I was going to pick them and give them to my love, but now it can never be!" Lee said loudly, a heartbreaking sadness flowing into his youthful and, dare she say it, bubbly personality.

But, even in his depression, he managed to be the most eccentric boy she had seen. And that's a lot for her to say, seeing as she was from the Akatsuki, AKA the biggest gathering of freaks next to Otogakure.

Konan thought for a moment, and then an idea occurred to her. She knew just how to solve Lee's problem!

"Here, stand up." Konan ordered softly, pulling out a few sheets of multi-colored paper from her kimono's obi. Never mind the fact that she wasn't allowed to use weapons in village limits unless practicing, she carried paper around for protection. And if they question her intentions, she would simply say a woman should go nowhere unprotected _and_ alone, s-ranked criminal or not.

Swiftly folding a bouquet of paper flowers in many pastel colors, she handed them to a dumbstruck Lee, who accepted them with a shocked face. Konan simply began to walk away when he failed to move for almost three minutes after he received the flowers.

"Wait, I wish to thank you! What is your name?" Lee called to her back, and Konan turned around. There really was no need to yell and get the attention of everyone in the neighborhood listening, she was only four feet from where he stood.

"My name is Konan." She replied, trying to produce a friendly smile but failing miserably. She needed to work on her people skills badly. Being around weirdoes in Akatsuki for as long as she'd been was bad for her social proficiency.

Lee's face went through many different emotions in the next few moments as he stared intently at Konan's face. She shifted nervously, glancing at the villagers who were watching the bizarre exchange. A look of intense (when was anything _not _intense with this kid?) admiration dominated his eyes and bushy eyebrows as he spoke.

"Konan-chan, I will love you forever and always! Thank you for this beautiful gift of youthful generosity! Alas, I fear I cannot give my blossom such a beautiful present, for another has captured my heart!" Lee shouted enthusiastically, kneeling on one knee and kissing one of Konan's hands.

That's when Konan decided to screw the 'no-jutsu in the village' order and turn into a flock of paper butterflies to escape to busy-browed freak.


	5. Unhygenic: Anko & Kisame

_A/N: Dedicated to Friglit, this was a pairing she suggested, and as I was reading her suggestion, my inspiration hit me. Literally, and in the forehead. My dad accidentally launched his bar of glycerin soap at my head after confiscating it from my thief of a mother._

_The rest happened a lot like this segment of To Be Labeled, actually._

_And so, my mom has a new aversion to my dad's soap! And I have a great but short chapter for you guys. The KakaIno one is coming soon!_

**Part Two:**

**Kisame and Anko**

**Prompt: Bar Soap**

**Unhygienic**

**DAY THREE: 20:34**

Anko walk into the bathroom, a towel and pair of pajamas slung over her shoulder. Grabbing her toothbrush, she began her nightly ritual of tooth-brushing, showering, drinking a glass of tea, and eating a snack before going to bed.

Except, her usual schedule hadn't been in order since _he_ started bunking in her apartment, under Tsunade-Sama's orders. Anko sighed as she accidentally knocked Kisame's toothbrush of the bathroom counter and into the trash can. Picking it up, she lost her train of thought as she returned it to the toothbrush cup without washing it.

Ah, wait. She found her train of thought again.

Ever since Kisame began his regimen of house arrest at Anko's apartment, she hadn't been able to complete her nightly habits, resulting in an interrupted sleeping pattern for the jounin, and a load of unhappy chuunin who had to see her grumpy ass at work every day. And, to top it all off, _he_ had to come to work with her every day and make her life miserable.

Not to mention, he scared anybody capable of a civilized conversation away.

Slamming the medicine cabinet closed in righteous indignation, Anko decided she was going to have a talk with the Hokage about these unbearable living situations, and get the blue jerk out of her apartment before she lost another night of much needed beauty sleep.

At least she could enjoy her shower. Setting her clothes down on the closed toilet seat lid, and hanging her towel on the towel rack next to the shower door, she reached in to turn it on.

And froze.

Her brand new green tea soap bar sat on the shower's soap and bottles shelf, open, used, and… Still wet.

"KISAME!" Anko shouted, throwing open the bathroom door. Kisame arrived in short order.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, using my BRAND NEW bar of soap?" Anko screamed, waving the object in his face. Kisame didn't answer.

"Here! Use this one, and don't EVER touch mine again!" Anko ordered as she opened a drawer, withdrawing a cheap unscented bar of soap for missions and planting it in his large blue hands.

"Alright, now out so I can take a shower." Anko grumbled as she closed the door on him and locking it. She started up the water so it could heat up, setting her bar back in its rightful place on the shower shelf. Then, she set to finishing her dental health routine by flossing. All too soon, there was a knock on the door.

"What?" Anko asked, opening the door to a bemused Kisame.

"I wouldn't use that soap if I were you." He stated ominously, smirking a little as he handed her back the unscented soap. Anko snorted.

"Why not? You didn't poison it, did you?" Anko asked, narrowing her eyes at the ex-Akatsuki member suspiciously. He laughed.

"No, I didn't poison it." Anko started to close the door at that, but Kisame stuck his large arm into the bathroom to keep it open.

"But, I didn't use a washcloth either." He stated, removing his arm and walking down the hallway. Anko stood in the bathroom doorway, steam spilling into the hall as realization slowly took form in her tired mind.

"I TOUCHED IT!!!! OH GOD, BURN MY SKIN OFF!!!" She screamed as she washed her hands in the near boiling water of the shower.

In the kitchen, Kisame chuckled sadistically over a skewer of (Anko's) dango.

The following morning, Kisame sported a new label on his back, which read: _'thief/'_


	6. Element of Surprise: Kakashi & Ino

**Kakashi and Ino**

**Prompt: Speculation**

**The Element of Surprise **

"Is this seat taken?" Ino asked, pointing at one of Ichiraku's bar stools. Kakashi shook his head, setting down his bowl.

"Looks empty to me," Kakashi mumbled as Ino settled into the seat without waiting to hear his answer.

"How courteous," Ino drawled, stealing Kakashi's untouched glass of water. The two settled into a comfortable silence, listening to the world around them as they relaxed. A little while later, both were roused from their daydreams by a barrage of whispers in the restaurant.

"I wonder what all this whispering is about," Ino stated, glancing around for something weird that could have stirred up the room. After a few seconds, both she and Kakashi looked outside.

A crimson Hinata was being followed by a nonchalant Itachi, generating a fairly loud buzz. Old ladies gawked in the street, whispering behind wrinkly hands to one another. A bicyclist ran into a fruit cart, distracted by the spectacle. Overall, many people were ablaze with curiosity.

"Wow. That isn't something I expected," Ino said, leaning forward a bit to be joined by Kakashi. Both ninja sat backwards on their stools and stared, following poor Hinata as she attempted to shop for a new pair of zori. After a few blunders, the odd couple moved out of sight to another stall.

"Even a veteran like me couldn't see that one coming," Kakashi said somewhat flatly, leaning back and putting his elbows on the bar behind him. Ino leaned back as well, crossing her arms.

"That's almost as shocking as…. us dating!" Ino laughed, swatting Kakashi on the shoulder. When the man didn't laugh, however, Ino stopped short and looked into his speculative eyes.

"What?" Ino asked, genuinely curious.

"Why shouldn't we?" Kakashi asked, and Ino blushed.

"No, I don't mean that I am insanely in love with you, but I bet we could give this town something to talk about," Kakashi laughed, swatting Ino back lightly on her shoulder. A slow smirk found purchase on Ino's lips as she imagined everyone's stupefied faces.

"Are you asking me out?" Ino asked coyly, a devious gleam in her eyes. Kakashi's visible eye crinkled and he held out his elbow. Ino took it, and the two paid and walked arm-in-arm out of Ichiraku's. Each sported a new label with the word 'Devious.'

Shikamaru ran into a wall as they passed, and Asuma choked on his cigarette.


	7. An Unpleasant Discovery: Kakuzu & Hidan

**Kakuzu and Hidan**

**Prompt: uh… follow up filler?**

**An Unpleasant Discovery**

**DAY SIX: NOONISH**

Kakuzu was bored. Sipping his chocolate milk (shaken, not stirred) he realized that without any bounties to collect until next week, he was going a tad stir crazy. He needed to occupy himself _somehow._ Glancing at the messy kitchen table, he spotted a day-old newspaper. Picking it up, he was startled by a pair of scissors and confetti falling out of the middle. Opening the paper, Kakuzu found a note from his roommate and ex-partner, Hidan.

_"Ha, I destroyed all your fucking coupons you thieving heathen son of a bitch. Leave my roast beef alone, I got you some fucking bologna._

_Anything but love, Hidan."_

"Bastard," Kakuzu mumbled, sweeping all the clippings into a pile in his hand. He walked over to Hidan's bedroom, throwing the mess all over his floor in half-hearted retaliation. One roast beef sandwich wasn't worth all that wasted money, after all.

Soon, Kakuzu returned to his spot at the table, now wearing his favorite housecoat. As he shifted, something poked him in the side.

"Oh, I forgot that was there," Kakuzu said thoughtfully, pulling out his new book. He had found it on the ground outside the porn bookstore named Pinku, and decided not to hunt down the owner. The inside cover had the name Hatake Kakashi printed neatly, but the ex-Akatsuki shrugged it off easily.

He opened the book, flipping to the first page. He shut it again in a hurry, horrified. On the first page was a very sexy looking (though Kakuzu loathed to admit it) Hidan, in a compromising position with a scantily clad, mega-hot woman.

"Somebody is going to die when he sees this!" Kakuzu said gleefully, standing and heading into Hidan's room to grab the newspaper he had left on the floor.

Hidan was going to find one helluva present when he got back from his mission!

**DAY SIX: 18:03**

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS BLASPHEMOUS PIECE OF SHIT?" Hidan roared, throwing his present from Kakuzu through his bedroom wall and into the kitchen. Kakuzu tried not to laugh as he hid in the laundry closet, having left a note to Hidan saying he was at the bank.

"This…. This…. THING should be burned!" He fumed, storming into the disaster he and Kakuzu shared for a kitchen. Hidan stopped in front of the Icha Icha novel, staring down at it in disgust and horror.

"Jashin damn it all to hell and back, Jiraiya's going to die!" Hidan vowed, his hands fisting at his sides. Kakuzu felt sorry for the poor bastard. 


	8. True Luv!: Gaara & Karin

**Gaara and Karin**

**Prompt: Fickle Crushes**

**True Luv!**

**DAY THREE: 14:00**

Sasuke and his team walked into Konoha, suspicious ANBU practically breathing down their necks. Karin glowered at them, warding them off with deadly glances from beneath her glasses. Not one of those filthy ANBU were good enough to mess with _her_ Sasuke-kun. As they continued to walk, Sasuke, Juugo and Suigetsu continued to ignore how well Karin fended off anyone who might mess with them.

Feeling unappreciated, Karin sighed sadly. Was there no one in the world that would care about anything she did? Her boys were probably the most irritating people she'd ever had to endure! If only she could find another person as amazingly good-looking as Sasuke, she would pounce on the chance to escape her stupid, annoying team.

It's not like anyone was making her stay with them now that Konoha, Suna, Oto and Ame (with their Akatsuki organization) had bonded to form some type of super-nation. Although with Sasuke as the leader of Oto, she was in pretty good standing in many countries. Would giving up her ambassador-ship be worth it?

"Only if I find another mega hot boy-toy to replace Sasuke with," she mumbled to herself, frowning.

"What was that?" Suigetsu asked in genuine curiosity. Being in the terrible mood she was in didn't make her response any better than normal.

"Nothing for a bastard to hear," Karin spat back venomously, afraid he'd really heard. There would be no end to the teasing she'd get.

"Fine, fine. Touchy bitch today, ne?" Suigetsu laughed as he nudged Sasuke. Sasuke didn't verbally respond, but fixed Suigetsu with a quick, sharingan-filled glare of doom. Soon, the little episode was forgotten as a disturbance caused the crowd down the street to start cheering wildly.

"Karin," Sasuke said in a deadpan voice, asking in his own way for her to check what the crowd was cheering about. She smirked evilly, putting two fingers before her nose to focus.

"Sure, Sasuke-kun!" Suigetsu mocked as she tried to make out the enormous chakra signatures of the incoming party. Something about them wasn't normal. All of it seemed to blur in her mind, confusing her. Opening her eyes, she gave Sasuke a worried glance.

"Whoever they are, their chakra levels rival yours and Orochimaru's," Karin said, trying not to sound offensive. Thankfully, Sasuke took it the right way.

"Karin, scout ahead," Sasuke ordered, obviously trying to hide his curiosity and keep his cool. Karin nodded, realizing he must feel threatened by one of the rare challenges to his strength he had encountered in years, minus Naruto and his battle a few months ago.

"Wait, why does _she_ get to scout?" an angry Suigetsu asked, pointing at Karin like an accusatory academy student. Smirking again, Karin waited for Sasuke's answer haughtily, hands on her hips.

"Karin is least likely to attract attention," Sasuke answered, giving Suigetsu a look that meant 'shut up or die.' Jumping onto the roof of the nearest building, she ran ahead of her group to see what the commotion and large chakra signatures were all about. Landing next to an ANBU on the roof on the corner by the Hokage tower, where the objects of the commotion stood.

Nodding to the dog-masked ANBU, Karin explained who she was and what she was doing. He (or she?) nodded a reply, and settled back into guarding the area. Focusing on the three figures below, Karin saw first that they were form Suna.

Next, she saw a man in a cotemporary cat-suit thing. Even living with weirdoes for a long time in Oto hadn't completely taken the edge off the laughter welling up in her throat. Quickly, she glanced at the next ninja.

She was blonde, pretty, and generally tough-looking. Karin didn't doubt that part of the chakra confusion she had experienced was because of her. Overall, she judged the fellow kunoichi below as one badass chick that she should watch out for, just in case she takes any liking to _her_ Sasuke. Karin switched her gaze to the last emissary from Suna, and her mouth dropped open.

"Oh my god," Karin mumbled, Causing the unnamed ANBU beside her to snort in laughter.

"Forget Sasuke-kun, I want a piece of _that,_" Karin thought appreciatively, all but leaping off the roof to glomp the ninja she now recognized as the Kazekage. She stood staring in a loving stupor at the Kazekage until a figure appeared on her other side.

"Karin?" Sasuke asked, barely concealing his annoyance. The ANBU on Karin's other side leaned back far enough to take in Sasuke's profile. The ANBU practically ripped his mask off, pushing Karin aside in his haste to see Sasuke.

"Kakashi?" Sasuke asked, staring with confused eyes at the silver-haired ANBU. Karin looked away from the mega-hot man below to witness a rare moment of emotion on Sasuke's part.

"Sasuke-kun, you and your team are supposed to be down there, with Gaara, Kankuro and Temari," Kakashi informed them happily, shaking his former student's hand in greeting.

Before they could even finish their greetings, Karin zoomed over to Suigetsu and Juugo, told them to meet her at the gate, and in a flash was next to the Kazekage's group.

"Hi, the name is Karin. I'm from Otogakure, how about you?" Karin greeted, adding extra feminine touches to her mini-speech. Temari raised a brow, but said nothing, allowing her brothers to take care of the newcomer.

"I'm Kankuro, and these are my brother Gaara, the Kazekage, and my sister Temari," the cat-man said, indicating each person with a gesture. Karin flashed an especially pretty smile as she bowed in respect to the young Kazekage. Just then, the rest of her team arrived, putting a bitter scowl on her face. Gaara's eyes narrowed at Sasuke, as if considering a greeting. However, a woman with shoulder-length brown hair interrupted and escorted them to their democratic meeting with the Hokage.

Karin made a mental note to corner the eye candy on their way out, if nothing went wrong in the meetings.


End file.
